by Bianca Lee Mondino

RECIPROCITY| 11.24.21

Hello :)

I hope you’re having a beautiful week so far.

I don’t know if any of you can relate, but I’ve been feeling a bit fried lately. I’ve noticed myself rushing to get places and entirely underestimating the time needed to get around (while I’d like to blame the pandemic for the time management issues… I was almost always late to begin with lolol).

Anyway, as the holidays creep up on us and social engagements slowly start to fill our calendars, it’s important to remember that our nervous system is still re-adjusting to what I would call a collective trauma. So, I invite you to take notice of when you’re feeling overstimulated, overworked and overstretched. And if and when you do, here’s a quick technique I love to use to help me tap into a space of calm…

Take your hands and “cup” your eyes - with your fingers on your forehead, and palms over your eyes (but not touching them) to block out as much light as possible. Feel the warmth of your hands close to your eyes.

This simple activity activates our parasympathetic nervous system - the part responsible for resting and digesting, relaxation and social connection.

A realization in therapy re: reciprocity (and love languages)

As I get older, I become much more acutely aware of the amount of noise we’re subjected to on a minute-by-minute basis, and how we’re constantly being pressured to fit into tidy and defined little boxes, titles, archetypes etc.

I remember when I was working in corporate everyone was obsessed with the Kolbe test or Meyers-Briggs personality test. People literally displayed their results on their desk, in their email signature (maybe even dating profile lol) and wore it like a proud badge of honour.

Outside of work settings - and more recently - you might have heard of the 5 love languages or human design populating the interwebs. Similar to the corporate world, Instagram is flooded with people deeming themselves to be “manifesting generators”, “reflectors” and so on.

I’ve always felt resistance towards these kinds of tests. Maybe it’s resistance around someone else telling me who I am - something just doesn’t sit right with it. While personality tests have a place and I can see the value they bring people in helping them get to know themselves, I feel like it can become problematic when it’s taken so seriously that it becomes part of one’s identity because…

We are constantly evolving.

I had a session with my therapist last week and brought up some feelings of resentment in friendships where I was feeling like I was over-giving, and where it felt one-sided (aka it lacked reciprocity). My therapist funnily enough brought up the 5 love languages and we took a closer look at this in relation to a few of my friendships (btw - I highly encourage taking a look beyond romantic relationships when applying the love languages).

And here’s the problem with taking these tests too seriously - as humans, we are extremely complex. We can actually have different love languages for different people! It turned out for me, my love language for some friends is quality time, and for others it’s gift giving, and others it’s words of affirmation. And my love languages for romantic partnerships are entirely different!

Anyway, my therapist noted that perhaps instead of the feelings of resentment being an issue of reciprocity, it could just be a difference in love languages.

And let me tell you - this opened my eyes to a lot (including how to give gifts and not feel totally overwhelmed about it… but more on that another time).

I had a pretty rough experience with understanding reciprocity in my childhood/teenage years. I was the friend who listened to everyone’s problems for hours at end and would never be asked how I was doing, nor did I feel safe enough to assert or express myself in that way.

The science of reciprocity

Last week we learned the guiding principles of Polyvagal Theory. Co-regulation is one of the principles.

Co-regulation is when we connect with others, and this reciprocal exchange between two nervous systems creates a shared sense of safety.

But what is reciprocity?

I personally like the description Deb Dana gives in her book The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy:

“Reciprocity is a connection between people that is created in the back and forth communication between two autonomic nervous systems. It is the experience of heartfelt listening and responding. We are nourished in experiences of reciprocity, feeling the ebb and flow, giving and receiving, attunement and resonance. We feel it in our bodies, the ways caring and being cared for bring well-being.”

More simply, we can understand reciprocity in relationships with qualities like taking turns talking and listening and the feeling of a “two-way street”.

But this isn’t always the case.

It’s likely you’ve experienced a relationship that frequently feels out of balance - where one person’s needs always seem to take preference over the other’s. And this my friends, is draining, soul crushing, energy sucking (insert your term here lol).

While life circumstances will naturally disrupt the balance in relationships where one person may have more needs in a given time - the other shows up bringing regulating energy until there’s a return to reciprocity.

Anxiety begins when we do not feel safe

Before studying Polyvagal Theory I couldn’t pinpoint where my anxiety was coming from. However, once I started to understand the inner workings of the nervous system, and the role reciprocity had in helping the nervous system feel safe and regulated, everything started to make sense. In particular, I noticed that around the time I was experiencing the peak of my anxiety, I was in a very one-sided romantic relationship.

This lack of reciprocity actually dysregulated my nervous system (which is a proper way of saying my nervous system was totally freaking the f*ck out lol), sending it into a state of survival, which manifested in the form of anxiety.

If you are finding yourself feeling stressed, anxious or depressed - I would invite you to take a look at your relationships and ask yourself the following questions:

• Is there an ongoing invitation into a flow of reciprocity?

• Does the relationship nourish a sense of mutual connection?

• Is there energetic symmetry in the relationship?

As humans, we are wired to connect. It is a biological need. However, because of the role relationships play in our well-being, it becomes even more important to ruthlessly assess how they might be impacting our opportunity to thrive.

See you next week :)

Much love,

B

P.S. I would love to hear from you.
Hit reply and tell me what might have resonated, or if you have any Qs and/or comments.
If you’d like to connect outside of this space, you can find me here and here.
Finally, if you want to help support my journey, I’d love for you to share this newsletter with someone you think might benefit from it <3

Suggested Activity: Reciprocity With Your Inner Child

Today I’d love to invite you into a connection with your inner child. If you’re unfamiliar with what “inner child” means - it’s pretty much exactly as it sounds - it’s yourself as a child. Many challenges we experience are rooted in feelings of neglect or hurt experienced in our childhood. By listening and responding to our inner child, we invite feelings of safety.

1. Grab a piece of paper and writing tool for this activity.

2. Start by closing your eyes and calling to mind an image of you as a child - it doesn’t matter what age, just allow yourself to explore and be curious with what comes up.

3. Once you have that image in mind, start by asking simple questions of your inner child and begin writing as you do this (i.e. how are you feeling? what do you need from me? how can I help you feel safe?) . Listen to what they have to say.

4. As you listen, write down what they are saying and allow yourself to respond to them (in a way you’d speak to a child - ideally in a supportive manner).

5. Continue this pattern of asking, listening and responding until you feel you are complete.

6. Notice how you feel after this practice.

Note: I do this exercise when I’m feeling extra resistance and/or procrastinating hard. I know this shows up when a part of me is feeling neglected in some way, and this exercise is a way to soothe that part of me.

Suggested Exploration: Reciprocal Relationships

Call to mind a moment of reciprocity. Take some time to journal the following…

• Who is one person I feel like I have a reciprocal relationship with? What are the signs of reciprocity in that relationship? How do I feel in that relationship?

Suggested Song: Mirrors - Justin Timberlake

Tips for this practice:

• Put something on that makes you feel good.

• Close your eyes if that feels good to you or wear an eye mask. (Note: if you’d like to work on deeper connection to your inner fire, do this in front of a mirror)

• Play the song and let your body move intuitively (aka however the hell it wants) to the rhythm.

• Optional: Notice how you feel after the practice. Do you feel more connected to your body? Did any emotions or thoughts arise during the practice?

Disclaimer: Please note that this newsletter is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. I encourage you to consult your doctor or other qualified medical specialists for any health issues or concerns. I am not a licensed health care provider, and the information and insights provided here are not intended for any clinical or diagnostic purposes. Thank you for understanding.