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Hello :) I hope you’re well and receiving exactly what you need during this time of year. I know I was looking forward to a relatively uneventful and slow April… until it wasn’t lol. On April 5th I was given the news I’d be receiving knee surgery in just under a week’s time. While I had a general idea that I’d be getting surgery at some point for the condition I have (I was “on-call” for 3+ years), there’s something about sudden news that can leave one feeling really unsettled (edit: hysterical lol). Plus, I had two major DJ gigs lined up only 10 days post-op, which added a hefty sprinkling of stress and pressure to the mix. If you’ve been reading these newsletters (and zero judgement if not) you may know that 2022 has been a challenging year. Between going back to school, career transitions, being self-employed in the live event + entertainment space throughout the pandemic, the death of a close friend and more - 2022 has been somewhat of a spiritual bootcamp for me. While it’s been hard as hell, I know it’s making me stronger and helping me grow in the areas that I wish to support people in. So, surgery - I want to weave in a little about this experience overall, because I feel some lessons can be applicable to times of change, transition and stress. Why support is important AF One thing I’ve learned in studying trauma is that support is a key factor that influences whether an event is experienced as traumatic/highly stressful or not. A simple example to illustrate this: say we are walking down a street and trip and fall - often we would rush to get up and make sure that no one saw us. This has quite literally happened to me many times lol. However, when we do this - rush to get up and move on - we have a greater potential of this experience having longer lasting (negative) effects on our nervous system. The more supportive response in this situation would actually be to allow yourself to register the fall (aka be still for a hot minute), and accept any support (if any) - even if it’s just a stranger asking if you’re ok. This more supportive experience lessens that chance of a post-traumatic stress response. While we often think of trauma as a really intense catastrophic event (i.e. natural disaster, accidents, large-scale violence), what happens is not what makes something traumatic for an individual. Rather, it’s how we deal with and experience what might be happening. More simply: trauma can occur when we experience overwhelm and when we are not feeling supported through whatever we might be going through. So, if you think about it in this way - someone could be in the midst of a hurricane and if they feel they have the right support, they can actually integrate the experience without it being traumatic. On the other hand, someone could work for a super micromanager-y boss in a toxic work environment and experience long-lasting negative effects on their nervous system. Types of support When we think of support I imagine the default reaction would be that support is something external - i.e. comes from another person. However, in this surgery process I learned that support can be sourced in two different ways: Internally: This would look something like us taking care of our own needs (i.e. meditation, limiting social media time, supportive self-talk, etc) Externally: This would look something like us receiving support from another person (i.e. calling up a loved one to talk through something, seeing a professional healthcare provider, etc.)
Both are critically important. Exercises that supported me When I received the news that I’d be getting surgery with such short notice I panicked. It was not cute. Luckily I had an already standing session with my therapist and she shared two exercises that helped me calm the f*ck down lol: Get v clear on your why: My therapist invited me to share with her why I was actually having this surgery in the first place. For me, it was because I couldn’t move without pain, and because the right side of my body was overcompensating and suffering because of it. Knowing that I was having this procedure to support my body helped me A LOT. Make a list of the support you need: My therapist then invited me to get clear about the support I would need physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, to prepare myself for surgery.
My list looked something like this: Physically: movement to music, grounding in nature, bath with epsom salts Mentally: trust I am supported and protected, trust I will recover quickly and be OK for my upcoming gigs Emotionally: limit exchanges with people, practice more yin yoga and sound therapy on self Spiritually: extra time to meditate, limit time on social media
Being intentional about the “right” support When I received the news about surgery, my immediate thought spiral was something like “UGH now I have to tell everyone I know this is happening - I’m so overwhelmed. This is not going to go well.” However, in sharing this with my therapist she stopped me in my tracks and posed a few really powerful questions: Who are the “right” people to support you? Who are the “right” people to know? Who is most eligible to be here for you? Who can be there to hold that space?
For some reason I’ve always been of the mindset that everyone needs to know everything. Maybe it’s a product of growing up in traditional Italian households where everyone knew everything about everyone lol - however these questions really made me reflect on how I could be more intentional with what I share with others. Gentle reminder: support looks different for everyone I was surprised to learn that during this time (before, during and after surgery), a lot of the support I needed was in fact spiritual, and came from within. Apart from my immediate family who quite literally physically supported me during this time, my mind, body and soul needed a lot of solo space to integrate the process. The next time you are met with change, I would invite you to reflect on what it is you need during that time. It is natural for other people to want to support you, and I also believe it’s important that we are honest with ourselves about the type of support we actually need. Mind-body preparation and energy medicine techniques Once I had my trusty list of support, I knew there was one more area that needed serious attention - energy. As a highly sensitive person/empath who feels things deeply, I wholeheartedly believe any time we are undergoing a procedure, it’s important to prepare ourselves energetically aka let our bodies know WTF would be happening. So, I did a lil research and came across this incredible article by an energy medicine practitioner named Amelia Vogler. The article quite literally had steps to help one energetically prepare for surgery. This was a HUGE support for me. It helped me connect with my body and energetic body in a more intimate way, and nurture my relationship with it. While the article is about surgery, I believe it can be used anytime one is about to undergo something significant (i.e. quitting a job, breaking up with a loved one, giving a presentation/talk, etc.) Post-surgery shame + vulnerability So, I am happy to report everything went well and I am recovering overall pretty OK. The surgical staff were awesome and even indulged in my request to play music before, during and after the procedure. In sound therapy school I learned that playing music actually can help with pain and help the body heal quicker. I can confirm that I woke up v peppy and bright and just generally feeling good after surgery! Also, if you’re curious, my musical requests were: old school hip hop (Biggie), disco (Candi Staton), Spice Girls and soca (Machel Montano) LOL. The gigs I had post-op also went well overall - I was lucky that 1) the venues were for the most part accessible and 2) people have been super accommodating and supportive throughout this journey. One thing I’ve noticed in this experience is that change makes us vulnerable. I like to think of this like the process of cultivation - when a farmer or gardener breaks up crusty soil to optimize the soil for planting. In this process, things like weeds, insects, etc. are often brought up to the surface. Just like the soil, when we are undergoing change, we go through a similar process of cultivation. Often times things that are buried deep within us will come to the surface. For me, having to use a cane and re-learn how to walk post-surgery brought up a lot of shame. I felt myself thinking “I wonder how others are perceiving me right now” and really obsessing about how me not being 100% would be perceived by others. In Brené Brown’s book “The Gifts of Imperfection” she brilliantly defines shame as: “The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”
And I can affirm that is exactly how I felt any time I left my apartment. It’s been a really interesting experience and I am learning how to be more kind to myself (and remind myself that literally no one really gives a flying f*ck if I’m using a cane or walking slower). Talk to me dirty (edit: kindly) It was wild to see how my mind and brain reacted to this whole experience pre and post surgery. I will be honest in saying that when I received the news I felt quite hopeless. Despite the doctors telling me it would be a relatively low risk procedure, my overwhelmed brain was telling me the very opposite. And this is natural. Our brains are wired for survival - to protect us - and I saw firsthand how this state of stress influenced my mind. I have never been one to be described as “positive” - I am a realist. I like facts. Tell it to me how it is. While I am an optimistic person, I just don’t do the whole “good vibes only”. And I am learning how to be a little kinder to myself. During my recovery I completed my final trauma course (woo hoo!!) as part of my trauma studies certification. The course was on neuroplasticity. If you’re new to neuroplasticity, it is simply the idea that our brains can change. This is super important especially for those who might experience mental health challenges - I know for me I thought for the longest time I thought my experience of anxiety was due to a “chemical imbalance”… until I started to pay attention to how the brain actually works, and how we can work with it. What I also took away from this course is that what we tell our brain, changes it. This is because our brain has a feedback loop - it grows and changes based on feedback (aka what we tell ourselves). So you can imagine - if we’re constantly telling ourselves “I’m stupid” or “I’m too sensitive” how this might actually affect our inner world. And the opposite is true - if we can tell ourselves things like “you’re doing a great job” and “I’m so proud of you” how this can have an equally powerful outcome. The timing of the course came at the perfect time. While I was feeling intense shame and anxiety any time I had to leave my apartment, I started to experiment with this idea of supportive feedback - cheering myself on and just telling myself supportive and kinder things. And it worked. The anxiety dissipated and the shame slowly faded away. I even started leaving the house without a hat, hoodie and mask!! Lolol. I will share more about neuroplasticity in a future issue because between that and Polyvagal Theory I believe there is so much hope for us to more practically understand how we can really transform our relationships with ourselves. —- Change is inevitable, and while we can’t always prepare for it, I believe if we can at least have a general idea of how we can better support ourselves in those prickly moments, we can access greater ease and kindness in the times we need it most. Have a beautiful week, and see you next month. Much love, B P.S. I would love to hear from you.
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