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Hello, And happy second day of winter. So much has changed in a week (including the legit season) and it’s left me thinking a lot about the question… How are you, really? For me - well - in a span of seven days - my NYE DJ gig got cancelled due to the new Ontario restrictions, the fun workshop I shared with y’all last week has been postponed, and my washing machine is on the fritz lol. And transparently, I’ve been feeling fu*king pissed, salty and defeated. However, as I’ve interacted with friends and family lately I’ve noticed something new… when they ask how I’m doing, rather than defaulting to my usual “I’m good” or “things are fine” I have been expressing how I feel unapologetically. When it comes to expressing how we truly are feeling, we usually don’t want to “inconvenience” others, so we’re often left answering the dreaded “How are you?” with “I’m good” or “fine” or “<insert your fake-filler response here>”. I find that a lot of this often comes from childhood - our parents and teachers teach us not to cause a fuss or ruffle feathers - we’re taught to obey the rules and be “good”. However, this is how emotional repression starts. Over the last year I have become incredibly fascinated with Dr. Gabor Mate’s work on mind body connection, specifically the effects stress and emotional repression have on our well-being. If you’re interested in checking out his work I highly recommend his documentary The Wisdom of Trauma. I also just started reading his book When The Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress and will keep you posted on some of my fave takeaways. To combat emotional repression, we need to find the confidence to be expressed and accept that… It’s OK to express that you’re exhausted. It’s OK to express that you’re not having a good day. It’s OK to express however you’re truly feeling unapologetically. There is A LOT going on right now (plus the holidays can definitely heighten emotion around all this) and the invitation here is to truly allow yourself to feel whatever it is that’s coming up. Hold that feeling with grace and compassion. You are doing your g’damn best. The importance of completing the stress cycle The other reason why it’s so important to express ourselves is because when we experience stress, we are at risk at getting stuck in a chronic stress cycle. Our bodies are constantly scanning for threat and while we might think of these things as physical harm, there is a whole host of emotional and mental threats we face living in today’s hyper connected world. A good example is if we’re scrolling on our phone and we get a breaking news notification about a stark rise in COVID cases. This can easily send our bodies into fight or flight. And often times we’ll stay stuck in that cycle by turning to distraction i.e. scrolling through social media, etc. Drs. Amelia and Emily Nagoski wrote an entire book on the stress cycle and burnout and they have an excellent podcast episode with Brene Brown where they speak about all things emotional exhaustion. So how can we complete a stress cycle? Some ways are: Movement: this can be walking, a solo dance party in your kitchen, running - anything that gets your body moving. Connection: engage in meaningful and honest convo with those closest to you. This also works with people you don’t know so well - i.e. taking a moment to chat with the person sharing the elevator with you (I find this much easier when someone has a dog LOL). A long hug (at least 20 seconds according to science) also works wonders to signal safety to the body. Crying: Just think of crying as taking an emotional shit - I can’t remember where I first heard this but I will forever reference it. Laughing: Laughter helps us release what is being kept inside. Sometimes even when we’re super overwhelmed you might find yourself laughing - this is a form of release. Expressive art-making: think of this as just allowing yourself to express however you’re feeling onto paper. I love starting with a colour that represents my mood. Note: this form of art is not made to be cute or “good”. Free-writing: Allow yourself to bring pen (or pencil) to paper to feel the cathartic nature of writing. Allow yourself to express however you’re feeling - your thoughts, desires, worries, etc. Let it all out! Breathing: Breathing helps us down-regulate our nervous system. A method I love is breathing in through the nose for a count of 4, and breathing out for a count of 8 from the nose. Repeat this as many times as you need. When our breath out is longer than our breath in, it activates our parasympathetic nervous system aka our lil system that helps us relax.
What all of these actions do is twofold: they signal safety to the body, and ground us in connection. Safety and connection are at the heart of what I’ve been learning in Polyvagal Theory and what we ultimately need to thrive. Alright, I am wishing you a beautiful week and holiday weekend if you’re celebrating - or however you are spending it - and I will see you next week :) Much love, B P.S. I would love to hear from you.
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