by Bianca Lee Mondino

SPACE | 1.5.22

Official greetings from 2022,

I hope you’re taking the space you need to ease into the new year - and if not - here is your reminder and/or virtual permission slip to do so.

This week I am taking space to celebrate a few things:

• 1-year without alcohol

• A much-needed break from social media

• The completion of a 2-day Vipassanā meditation at home (which is my longest sitting to date)

And while I celebrate these things, writing this has me feeling so much resistance/worry/fear in my body because it is not easy for me to share good things and feel OK about it (yep - happiness anxiety is a thing). It’s something I continue to work on, but here we are.

I hope if you have similar feelings this might serve as a reminder that…

It’s OK to lean into good moments.

It’s OK to share things you’re proud of.

In fact, I would love if you’d reply to this email and take some space to let me know one thing you’re celebrating and/or proud of right now. Baby steps, friends.

An alcohol-free 2021

In late 2019/early 2020 I started to notice a change in my body’s response to drinking alcohol - my hangovers got hella worse, it often took at least a couple of days to recover, I’d get almost immediate tension headaches when I started drinking, and my post-drinking anxiety and depression became near intolerable.

So something told me it was time to get curious and change things up.

In summer of 2020 I decided to experiment with giving up alcohol while dating - previous to this I’d often go on first dates at a bar - it seemed like the most chill thing to do. While it initially felt awkward to ask for non-drinking-centered activities, I almost instantly fell in love with sober first dates. It made me feel clear and more aware of the person I was getting to know (also, any red flags became real bright right away lol).

Then in December 2020 I decided to extend the experiment and entirely give up alcohol in 2021. I felt like I needed some space to figure out my relationship with alcohol, and I love a good challenge.

Looking back on my alcohol-free year today, I have a few observations:

• Semi-lockdown lifestyle probably made this experiment easier - had we been in the full swing of things pre-COVID I feel it might have been more challenging. I also think back to my corporate banking days, where drinking was so ingrained in team culture, and I feel like this would have been extremely challenging to navigate.

• Telling people I wasn’t drinking brought up the most discomfort for me - the most uncomfortable part of the journey was actually telling people I wasn’t drinking (when I was offered a drink) - and then feeling like I had to manage their discomfort. If I told people “I gave up drinking for the year” they often looked at me like something was wrong with me… or if I told them “I don’t want a drink - I’m good for now” I’d get looks of confusion or suspicion. It was really interesting.

• Not drinking made me 10000% more present/aware - from taking in the details in spaces and in nature, to being more fully present in my feelings, relationships and work - it was eye-opening and beautiful.

But perhaps the most important observation of all:

• It’s possible to not drink, still have fun and still be fun.

In fact, I would say the last year (minus the anxiety from the pandemic) has been one of my best years for self-discovery and growth. I feel like I actually am getting to know my truest self - her desires, likes, dislikes, dreams, etc.

Prior to the experiment I was using alcohol as a social crutch. I drank to feel less awkward in social settings. I drank to avoid comments from people about not drinking. I drank to feel included. And then when I drank enough I turned into this extreme enabling party animal (*cues Charly Black’s Gyal You A Party Animal* lolol) whose sole mission was to get everyone extremely wasted. It was not cute.

Did my lifestyle change when I stopped drinking? Absolutely.

I spent less time going to parties, I was more mindful of who I spent time with and where/what we did. I was invited out less and I was OK with it. Upon reflection - I noticed that many of the environments I frequented pre-experiment were actually ones that felt inauthentic to me and my true nature. For example - while I love music and dancing - I actually really dislike packed nightclubs or bars. My true introverted self needs space to thrive lol.

So what’s next with this experiment?

The space away from alcohol made me realize that eventually I would like the option to have a drink if I really feel like it. At my core I value moderation, and total prohibition usually doesn’t sit well with me.

So I came up with a pretty simple personal guideline to follow moving forward:

I will not drink when I am in a stress response.

What this means:

• I will not drink to avoid feelings of awkwardness

• I will not drink to cope with pain or stress

• I will not drink to please others

My hope is that this guideline will create more intentionality when it comes to my relationship with alcohol.

I will also give myself permission to change things up - if at any point something doesn’t feel good to my body and nervous system - I now know what I need to do to come back into homeostasis.

Creating space + people pleasing

A massive realization I’ve had in the last year is that I need more time and space to process things and make decisions. And this is difficult because the very fabric of Western culture is rooted in the opposite way of being - where instant messages and read receipts create a sort of time pressure around communication. People have access to our lives with the click of a finger and social media can make it feel like everyone’s ahead of you.

Maybe I’m projecting here, but it’s a lot.

It’s even more challenging for individuals who have people pleasing and/or codependency patterns (*raises hand*). With these traits we often work hard to make sure everyone else’s needs are met before our own because this is what feels safest to us.

And I’ve come to realize that one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves is space.

This could look like:

• A breath before responding or reacting to someone

• Time to reflect before making a decision or commitment

• Physical and energetic space from a draining relationship

One of the best pieces of advice my therapist has given me: never immediately commit to anything you’re not 10000% sure about. Even if you’re 99.9% sure you’re interested in it - take some space to make sure it actually works for you.

If you have people pleasing tendencies I highly recommend trying this out. A script might look something like:

Friend: Hey! I’m having some friends over tomorrow. Wanna join?

You: Thank you so much for thinking of me - that sounds lovely. I will need to check some things with my schedule - I will get back to you.

I am convinced that creating more space in all areas of our life is the answer to inner peace and truth.

Part of why I’m on a social media detox right now is I felt myself becoming enmeshed with the digital world and it was becoming hard to separate my desires, dreams, ideas from everyone else’s. I found myself feeling pressure to rush ideas, push out content and it just became too overwhelming. I knew it was time to give myself some space, so I could refocus, reset and revisit my relationship with social media.

Creating space with Vipassanā meditation

Finally, I will leave you with some information about a meditation technique that has changed my life: Vipassanā.

What is Vipassanā meditation?

Vipassanā is the oldest of Buddhist meditation practices. It’s also known as “insight” meditation and the word Vipassanā means “seeing things as they really are”. The method comes from the Satipatthana Sutta, a discourse attributed to the Buddha himself.

With Vipassanā you practice self-observation by focusing on your inner self in a nonjudgmental way - allowing thoughts, feelings and sensations to move through you like clouds in the sky. When the mind wanders, one uses their breath to refocus.

I did my first full day of Vipassanā meditation (using this schedule) on my birthday in 2020 and have been hooked ever since. I remember waking up the next day feeling so much lighter and clearer, however I will say it was not without its challenges - sitting still for 1.5 hours at one time can be quite uncomfortable. And we are not used to silence.

It’s a personal goal to do a traditional 10-day silent program one day, but for now I like being able to do this at home. I use the Vipassanā method in my daily morning meditation.

If you’d like to try Vipassanā, I’ve included some quick instructions in this week’s activity below.

Hope you all have a beautiful rest of the week and I’ll “see” you next Wednesday :)

Much love,

B

P.S. I would love to hear from you.
Hit reply and tell me what might have resonated.
If you’d like to connect outside of this space, you can find me here and here.
Finally, if you want to help support my journey, I’d love for you to share this newsletter with someone you think might benefit from it <3

Suggested Activity: Mini Vipassanā break

1. Find your breath: what you’re looking for is the literal physical sensation of the air that passes in and out of the nostrils. This is usually just inside the tip of the nose. But the exact spot varies from one person to another, depending on the shape of the nose.

2. Try a breath: To find your own point, take a quick deep breath and notice and point just inside the nose or on the upper tip where you have the most distinct sensation of passing air. Now exhale and notice the sensation at the same point. It is from this point that you will follow the whole passage of breath.

3. Set a timer and begin: try 5 minutes and just breathe comfortably in silence. Allow yourself to observe any sensations or thoughts without judgement.

4. Refocus: When thoughts arise during the 5 minutes, you can either come back to the focus on your breath point or if your mind is extra sassy I find naming the thought/distraction is helpful (i.e. “tingling in right arm” or “fearful thought” or “loud sound”)

5. Observe: See how you feel. Repeat and add time if you desire.

Suggested Exploration: Where I need space

Take some time to journal the following…

• Where can I use a little more space in my life right now?

• How might that space help me?

• How might that space help others?

Suggested Song: Find You - Charlotte Day Wilson

Tips for this practice:

• Put something on that makes you feel good.

• Close your eyes if that feels good to you or wear an eye mask. (Note: if you’d like to work on deeper connection to your inner fire, do this in front of a mirror)

• Play the song and let your body move intuitively (aka however the hell it wants) to the rhythm.

• Optional: Notice how you feel after the practice. Do you feel more connected to your body? Did any emotions or thoughts arise during the practice?

Disclaimer: Please note that this newsletter is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. I encourage you to consult your doctor or other qualified medical specialists for any health issues or concerns. I am not a licensed health care provider, and the information and insights provided here are not intended for any clinical or diagnostic purposes. Thank you for understanding.