by Bianca Lee Mondino

GIFT-GIVING & BODY-BASED WISDOM| 12.1.21

Hello and happy freakin’ December!

Anyone else in a good mood cuz it’s chocolate advent calendar szn? (FYI - I’m not religious but appreciate a good reason to enjoy surprise and chocolates on the daily)

Last week’s issue seemed to strike a chord - I had a bunch of you reach out about the timeliness of the piece on reciprocity and I thought I’d share a little more as we enter the holiday season…

A quick recap: I recently learned (thanks to my therapist) that we can have different love languages for different people - and love languages are not just for romantic partners. In a recent therapy session I shared I felt I was experiencing a lack of reciprocity in some of my friendships, but upon further exploration, it turned out that we just had different love languages.

An example to illustrate this - one friend’s love language might be “acts of service” - meaning they show love through the things they do i.e. driving you to an appointment, helping you do the dishes, assisting with a project, etc. The other friend’s love language might be “gift giving” - meaning they show love by giving heartfelt gifts. When this difference in love languages isn’t realized, it could feel like there’s an imbalance in the relationship. However, once each other’s love language is understood, it then makes it easier to assess whether there’s actually a lack of reciprocity or if it’s just a difference in expression of love.

And let me say that again…

Gift giving is simply an expression of love.

Once my therapist helped me understand this, things started to ease up in my brain. So, if gift giving is an expression of love, it’s important to ask ourselves the following questions:

• What form of expression is truly me?

• What do I really want to say to this person in giving this gift?

These two questions were truly eye-opening…

When I asked myself what form of expression is truly me when it came to giving gifts - it wasn’t about quantity or how luxurious/trendy a gift was - rather it’s about quality - supporting local artisans and taking the time to ensure the gift reflects the person. And what I want to say to people when I give gifts is that I see you and I appreciate you.

It can be easy to get caught up in the mentality that we need to reciprocate equally when it comes to gift giving. We probably know someone who goes above and beyond when it comes to giving gifts. And sometimes when we have people like this in our lives it can bring on feelings of guilt if we don’t give the same in return. Or maybe I’m projecting lol - I can definitely relate to becoming stressed TF out because for the longest time I had it ingrained in me that for something to be reciprocal, it had to be of somewhat equal value.

And you can probably quickly see how this thinking could be unhealthy - financially, mentally, spiritually… in every way really.

So what do you do if you have super generous gift-giving friends/family members/partners (and this doesn’t resonate with your authentic expression of love)?

Instead of welcoming feelings of guilt (aka the feeling that you’ve done something wrong) and feeling like you need to reciprocate in an “equal” way - check in with yourself first and ask what your authentic expression of love is.

Next, recognize that people “splurging” on you is their way of loving you, and that’s OK. It’s actually unloving to try and stop it if that’s their way of expressing themselves. And it’s not your job to manage their disappointment in the event that they are expecting a lavish gift in return.

I’m here to tell you that it’s OK to give yourself permission to honour your authentic expression when it comes to expressing love. And this is a reminder I continue to tell myself because I am still unlearning unhealthy patterns when it comes to this.

Using the body to help us make decisions

I want to share one more thing I learned recently, which I feel might help as we enter the holiday season (and need to make more decisions around social plans, gifts, etc.)

I recently listened to an excellent podcast episode on body-centered inquiry with Jonathan Foust who spoke about how we can learn to tap into our body’s wisdom (here if you want to listen to the episode “The Issues Are In Your Tissues”). Jonathan shared a body-based practice around making decisions and I’ve found it extremely helpful. Check out the activity below where I go into detail around the steps.

I’ve found myself checking in with my body a lot more lately when it comes to making decisions (rather than turning to my trusty oracle card deck lol). I believe we almost always have the answers within but are often too crowded with the opinions of others/stress/”busy-ness” of life to truly hear our inner voice.

So, when I need to access a quick hit of inner guidance, a practice I love is just placing my hands over my heart, taking a few slow breaths (where the exhale is longer than the inhale) and asking myself “what do you need right now?”

And I’ll often be met with a response - which is usually “please rest” lol.

Tapping into the body’s wisdom allows us to develop a greater sense of trust, become more attuned to our needs and ultimately helps deepen our connection to self - something that is truly central to our growth and flourishing.

Have a beautiful start to the month and I’ll see you next week :)

Much love,

B

P.S. I would love to hear from you.
Hit reply and tell me what might have resonated, or if you have any Qs and/or comments.
If you’d like to connect outside of this space, you can find me here and here.
Finally, if you want to help support my journey, I’d love for you to share this newsletter with someone you think might benefit from it <3

Suggested Activity: Body-Based Decision Making

Here’s the activity I learned in Jonathan Foust’s podcast interview on how to make a decision using the body’s wisdom:

1. Identify a decision you need to make (could be something like “is it in my highest interest to move out of the city?” or “what’s for lunch today?”)

2. Identify three (3) possible outcomes (i.e. for the moving question the outcomes could be - yes, no, at a later time)

3. Choose one of the outcomes to explore. Once you’ve chosen it, allow yourself to notice how it sits in your body. Does your body feel tense? Open? Heavy? Light? Calm?

4. If you feel an instant intuitive connection to your answer, you can stop and use that wisdom to proceed with your decision. If you need a little more info you can play with the other two (2) outcomes and see how they feel in your body.

5. Explore how it feels to proceed with the decision that feels best in your body and continue playing with this practice to develop greater connection with your body’s felt senses.

Note: When I’ve done this practice I’ll often notice the option I don’t go with is the one that leaves me feeling contractive and tense, and the option I do go with is one where I feel noticeable ease in my muscles and openness throughout my body.

Suggested Exploration: Expressions of Love

Take some time to journal answers to the following…

• What are some ways you genuinely enjoy expressing love?

• How does it feel when you express your love that way?

• Are there relationships where you feel unsafe to express your love in a genuine way? If so, why might you feel that way?

Suggested Song: Feels Like - Nao

Tips for this practice:

• Put something on that makes you feel good.

• Close your eyes if that feels good to you or wear an eye mask. (Note: if you’d like to work on deeper connection to your inner fire, do this in front of a mirror)

• Play the song and let your body move intuitively (aka however the hell it wants) to the rhythm.

• Optional: Notice how you feel after the practice. Do you feel more connected to your body? Did any emotions or thoughts arise during the practice?

Disclaimer: Please note that this newsletter is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment. I encourage you to consult your doctor or other qualified medical specialists for any health issues or concerns. I am not a licensed health care provider, and the information and insights provided here are not intended for any clinical or diagnostic purposes. Thank you for understanding.