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Hello, It’s been a minute since my last newsletter. I hope you all have been doing well and are enjoying the first few days of spring - I know for me the longer days and increase in sunlight have brought a sense of hope. Before getting into today, I want to share that this newsletter will now be sent out monthly - on the last Wednesday of each month (the next issue will be April 27). If there are any spicy items, I might reach out in between issues, but I promise not to spam you. Another way to keep in touch is to follow my Instagram account - I post any updates on things there :) I truly appreciate your support in receiving this newsletter. ————— Today’s issue is a lil heavy - so please take care of yourself as you read. I took some time off from writing because I received the sudden news that a close friend of mine passed away. While I have experienced the death of elderly relatives, the sudden death of a close, vibrant friend hits different. So today I want to take some time to celebrate and remember the life of my friend, Anna Liscio Forbes. Remembering Anna Anna and I kinda knew of each other back in high school - her sister and I were in the same grade and I remember always seeing Anna at the gym and always thought she was really pretty and cool. Anna and I didn’t properly get to know each other until 2019. I had just quit my 9-5 job at TD to pursue DJing full time and I shared on Instagram that I’d be doing some coaching to help others who were curious about exploring their passions in life. Anna reached out. We hit it off right away - both coming from traditional immigrant Italian households and both super fans of breaking conventions. I remember Anna asking me tough questions before she decided to work with me and it both scared me shitless and inspired me at the same time. She was driven and knew exactly what she wanted. We worked together for 2 years and I had the privilege of witnessing and supporting her journey from 9-5 life to beginning her bold entrepreneurial journey. Anna was that person who always championed others and operated with some of the most colourful spirit I’ve ever encountered. She quite literally always rocked brightly coloured hair and it perfectly matched the brightness and energy of her soul. Coming from a traditional upbringing, Anna and I shared an openness to exploring spirituality and energy. We regularly bonded about how to navigate being highly sensitive, empathetic people in a highly frenetic and stressed world. One thing I will always remember about Anna is how she made it a point to show appreciation and gratitude. Anna would often send me beautiful notes of appreciation after reading something of mine she resonated with. She personalized her interactions and it truly made a mark. Learnings through grief A few weeks before Anna’s passing I had listened to a podcast episode that made me instantly think about her. Anna was a badass biz consultant helping individuals scale their biz and the episode was an excellent convo with Jay Shetty and Reid Hoffman (co-founder of Linkedin) around fostering an entrepreneurial mindset. I vividly remember contemplating whether or not I should send the episode to Anna. Has something ever reminded you of someone and instead of reaching out you just kinda let it slide? I know I have many times out of fear of seeming “too much”. But this time something told me to reach out. And I am so happy I did. Our last interaction was about a week before her passing - it was a beautiful voicenote she sent me in gratitude for the podcast episode as it helped inspire some ideas for her work. This particular experience taught me to never take little moments for granted - if someone crosses my mind, I’m reaching out. Common experiences of grief Following Anna’s passing I had a session with my therapist where we discussed grief. She broke grief down into two common experiences which was really helpful: Grieving the loss: This is an experience of feeling the pain of the loss of someone/something because it is no longer Grieving the regret: This is an experience of loss, but also feeling the hurt associated with attachment to the regret felt in the relationship (i.e. wishing you could have said more, done more etc. with/for the person)
As you can imagine, grieving from the second place is much more difficult. This experience requires acceptance of the loss, plus acceptance and forgiveness of self for not doing what you wish you did when the person was still physically here. When she explained these to me, I felt some comfort in knowing that I felt my relationship with Anna was whole and complete. The pain I’ve been experiencing is from the loss of a dope ass human. Grief is complex. Honour your process. One thing I am learning about this process is how grief brings a lot to the surface. I think I’ve probably more feelings and emotions over the last 4 weeks than I have in my entire life. From a desire to reconnect with old lovers and ex-friends, to questioning my entire existence, to obsessively checking on my family… just to name a few. It also wildly exacerbated my people pleasing tendencies - I found myself feeling guilty for telling people about what happened or what I was going through because I didn’t want to “ruin anyone’s day”. This is actually the first time I’m talking about the loss somewhat “publicly” - I haven’t shared anything on social media - and even that in itself has brought me so many mixed feelings, but the bottom line is… I just wasn’t ready. Processing the loss of a loved one is a very unique process and everyone will go through this differently. It becomes difficult with social media, because when something big happens we often feel the need to jump on the bandwagon and share whatever is being talked about - because if we don’t we might fear that it seems like we don’t care. But this is not the case. When we experience loss - or change - we must honour our unique process, not what we think we should be doing. What I found helpful to keep me grounded through this was asking myself the following questions: When I took some time to sit with my feelings, I decided I wanted to begin processing this change quietly. Unconventional grief While we traditionally talk about grief being connected to the death of a physical being, I believe it’s important we understand that grief extends far beyond this. Grief is quite literally loss. And if we can think about that for a second, that can mean: Loss of a dream - i.e. growing up dreaming you’d have children and then making the decision not to, or believing you’d marry Brian Littrell from the Backstreet Boys and then realizing he was already taken (true story lolol) Loss of an identity - i.e. entirely changing careers (9-5 life to entrepreneurship or vice versa) Loss of the way life was - i.e. pre-pandemic vs. post-pandemic Loss of a partner - i.e. via breakup, divorce Loss of a goal - i.e. making the decision to stop training for a marathon, or to stop writing a book
There was a great quote I saw on Instagram recently that spoke to a form of unconventional grief: “When you’re growing, you will also feel like you are dying. That is because part of you is. Nobody talks about this, but you have to grieve the loss of who you were before you can fully step into who you’re going to be.”
A shift in perspective While the grieving process can be incredibly difficult and painful, I’ve come to appreciate a perceptive that has been shared to me by a few people in this process. And that is… Grief is an act of love, not a loss of love. Grief reminds us how capable we are of feeling deep love and connection to others. It’s an expression for the love we might have lost physically, however that love has not left this world. The love for the ones we might have lost physically has not disappeared. And the love from our loved ones still exists inside our heart. This perspective really helped me connect with the grieving process, and personally reminded me that my heart is actually very capable of loving deeply (whereas previously I really identified with the Grinch lol). Care during times of change Finally, it’s important to remember that we all move through grief and loss at some point in our lives - it’s not unique to some - we all experience it. And while we cannot control the individual experience of grieving, we can bring our awareness to the importance of care. Grieving involves processing a change, and change can be perceived as extremely stressful to the mind, body and soul, so we must remind ourselves of the extra care needed when we experience change. Reminders like… It’s OK to embrace the hurt that loss brings. It’s OK to choose not to think about loss at times in an act of self-care. It’s OK to be honest about where you’re at with others. It’s OK to experience moments of joy during difficult times. It’s OK to put your well-being first. When we are grieving, we might feel the urge to continue moving at the same speed we were before the experience, and this is something to be aware of. When we undergo change, we must factor in time for care. And while it might feel difficult to communicate this (to self and others), we owe it to ourselves to honour what our mind, body and soul truly needs to be OK. Have a beautiful week, and see you next month. Much love, B P.S. I would love to hear from you.
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